Silence
by Angie
It has been about 4 months since I was diagnosed with tinnitus – a completely harmless, yet devastatingly annoying disorder of the ear with no treatment, medicine, or surgery available, as it is not completely understood yet by doctors. It all came to a head when I suffered from my 3rd kidney stone several months ago. I have since learned that I am most likely genetically predisposed to easily damaged inner ear cilia (tiny hair like cells in the ear), as my mom and several of my aunts and uncles suffer from tinnitus as well. I have probably been to all of 5 rock concerts in my entire life, so when my ear doctor asked me if I spent a lot of time around heavy machinery, frequently fired weapons, or held my ear next to a speaker at a rock concert, I was somewhat shocked, as I have done none of these things. I can remember as far back as prom in Highschool – and having ringing in my ears afterwards (which I thought was normal at the time, but have since learned was actually damage to my ears). In college, I specifically remember two concerts (and last) I went to in which my ears rang for almost a week afterwards. In my early 20s I started noticing the tell-tale signs of hearing damage when I would sporadically get ringing and beeping sounds in my ears. At that point I realized I probably had some hearing damage, but didn’t really think it was anything permanent since I rarely went to concerts. I made a decision at that point to avoid concerts or at least wear ear plugs if I ever went to one. Of course, as I have learned recently, I was in the dark about all of the ototoxic drugs and stimulants that wreak havoc on sensitive ears like mine. Thus, the cherry on top of my tinnitus when I had my 3rd Kidney stone back in November and was pumped full of pain killers and NSAIDS in the Emergency Room (thinking back, if given the choice again for the pain killers during a kidney stone episode, I would probably have to give in to them again as kidney stone pain is unlike anything, and I would never wish it upon someone). I have a new life long goal to never get another kidney stone.
After those first initial weeks where I had trouble sleeping because the noise was so intrusive, I think I have grown somewhat accustomed to my ears, but will forever miss the silence. As one of my doctors told me, I will never experience “perfect silence” again. What a sad thought. I still have hope though. Anything is possible with God, and if He chooses to give me silence again, then He will. Now I think about how I used to take something as simple as silence for granted. Its all about the little things. My ears have gone from intrusively loud screeching in my right ear, and have started to settle out now with mild whirring that has never gone completely away since it started in my right, and intermittent high pitched frequency noises in my left that are there one day and gone the next. The left one worries me often, as I wonder if it will gradually become unrelenting like the right. The noise doesn’t effect me much when sleeping now, but I hear it the most when I am laying in bed in silence. I hear it the least when I am in the shower, in the car with quiet music on, and outside in the wind or rain. I am trying to avoid white noise machines and adapt naturally. My goal and hope is to delay or prevent anymore worsening in my ears. Some days my ears seem improved, and some days they don’t, but the fact that I have felt improvement at all is hopeful. Working and studying in public health, I am a huge believer in environmental factors. Yes, my ears are easily damaged, now what can I do to protect and save them from any more damage – avoid all loud noises, wear ear plugs when in loud situations, avoid all ototoxic drugs and central nervous system stimulants (these excite ear cilia and can cause them to stay in a permanent state of excitement) – caffeine, anti-inflammatory pain killers (NSAIDS), anti-depressants, and most anti-biotics. These new lifestyle changes for me consisted mostly of giving up green tea, Aleve, wearing ear plugs when at movies and blow drying my hair, and the one I am currently working to solve – church worship. This has been one of the biggest things affected in my life. Particularly since we joined a new church in the past year that has louder than usual worship. At first, I tried using ear plugs, but I am a little paranoid (the worship is pretty close to rock band volume level) and now I cant be in the room with the worship at all. I am looking into custom molded ear plugs, as I cant go the rest of my life never attending another worship service and coming into church late. I think back at all the churches I have gone to, all non-denoms with pretty lively worship, some of them having pretty outrageous sound systems, and wonder if I was damaging my ears all that time without knowing. It makes me wonder if maybe those Church of Christ are on to something….lol. Perhaps God is challenging me to find other ways to worship. My whole life I have relied on churches to provide me with riveting worship services, and maybe I have taken it for granted, or have come to expect it. A few weeks ago at Life Group we had worship with just one guitar and our voices, and it was marvelous. And I actually got to listen to it! As frustrating as this ear ailment is, I put my faith in God that He wont give me more than I can handle. A lesson to anyone who reads this – loud concerts damage your ears more than you know, and if your ears ring, they have already been damaged. It only takes 85 decibels to do damage. Something I wish I had known.
